I wonder...

How many people ask me how Matt, the boys and myself are? Not very many... Many people claim to be great friends, but how many shoot me a text, email, Facebook message or anything? I didn't mention a phone call, because to be honest, I don't have very much time to talk on the phone and when I do have time, others won't necessarily, but every other thing I mentioned takes almost no effort... We went through a 7 month deployment and I was riddled with an unknown cause of pain, 20+ hours away from family and raising 2 boys who dearly missed their dad. I was baffled at how many people (family and friends) pretty much gave it no thought and couldn't even show me that they care... I'm not talking everyday, I'm not even talking every week, but the ones who did show me support really made me feel great! You know who you are! Even if it was once, I know they care and it made me smile that other people besides myself care about others. I'm struggling with that again, but such is life. I have God, our church, my husband and boys and some close friends whether here or away. Thank you to those who have been so great to me and my family! God Bless!

It's my burden...

I feel like I have a chronic pain disorder for a reason. Whether it be because I have it over another someone else who couldnt handle it as well or because I need to show strength, grow strength and become even closer to God. I may have this because it's my burden to bear. I believe we all have something, something that holds us back at times, or something we must overcome. Either way, I have P.C. Syndrome and I've had it, that I know of, for over 2 years. The pretty consistent pain has been for 9 or 10 months now. I'm almost sure that a lot of people that know me don't realize how bad my pain is. When I was in labor with my kids, they asked me both times what my pain was on a scale from 1-10. I said 6/7 because I knew it could be worse. Well, my pain is a consistent 8 when it's not a good day. Sitting, standing, walking, moving or even folding laundry hurts... When I'm laying down, it is usually better, along with sitting on a heating pad or having Matt rub my back (but it only feels better while he's rubbing, once he's done the pain is back). I'm not trying to make this sound whiney, or a bigger deal then it is, but I do want others to be aware of how I feel. There are a lot of chronic pain disorders, and although we may not look like something is wrong, it doesn't mean that nothing is. Chronic pain can affect men, women, children, elderly, etc... Some are worse on pain than others, but they all mean that the person with the problem has pain. Although I'm 26, I look healthy and I have a smile on my face 90% of the time at least, it doesn't mean I'm not in pain... God helps me get through my days. Praying, remembering Bible verses, praise and worship songs or reading the Bible help me. My husband helps me as well, when he's here, haha. Being in the Army, especially the infantry, he's working quite a bit. I have friends that help too and my boys are great as well. I do have support, and I know I'll be okay eventually. I have weak moments dealing with this, especially when I've had 6 bad pain days out of the last 7. Tomorrow is a new day and if I still hurt, it's time for a movie/cartoon day with Levi while I sit on a heating pad! God Bless

Today's accomplishments

I have good days, bad days and okay days regarding my pain. I used to have weeks of pain with a few days of relief, but since I've started making changes and using medication I have more good days now finally. I am in a cycle now where I'll feel great, then 3,4 or 5 days of straight pain in my back. It escalates and will get worse and then good again. It really dampers my mood sometimes, but only because I feel like its never ending. This morning I cried because I woke up in so much pain... I'm not afraid to admit I cried. I cried and prayed and talked to God. Then I made breakfast for the boys, made lunch for Bruce, got Levi dressed and took Bruce to the bus. Then I made coffee for Matt, took a pain pill and cleaned the entire kitchen. I cleaned out the junk, rearranged the cabinets and wiped everything down. I may have started the day feeling bummed because my back was killing me, but I didn't let it get me down. I also played with Levi, we played with mini people and played pretend. I made dinner, cupcakes and did dishes. Now I'm back on the couch relaxing and on the heating pad. Hopefully tomorrow is a pain free day, but even if it's not I'll get through it and I'll be that much stronger. I hope your day was well, if not, tomorrow is a new day, it will get better! God bless!

A day like today

A little background... I have a chronic pain disorder. I had surgery to determine if my pain was from endometriosis in December, the day before my husband came home from Iraq. That day, after my surgery we found out that I didn't have any visible endometriosis. I thought we had to start from scratch and I was disappointed that we didn't know what was wrong. At this point I had been in pain in my back, pelvis and all over for 5 months, so I was frustrated. At my 2 week surgery check-up I finally had an answer. I have pelvic congestion syndrome. I had never heard of it before, but I was glad to have an answer. Pelvic congestion syndrome is a medical condition in women caused by varicose veins in the lower abdomen. The condition causes chronic pain, often manifesting as a constant dull ache, which can be aggravated by standing. In my case, I have bad back pain and occasional pelvic pain. My back pain feels just like back labor, which you may experience during childbirth. I am now on lupron shots, which basically makes my body think I'm in menopause(I'm only 26, so it's strange to feel hot flashes and mood swings). I'm also on a pill that basically does the same thing. Unfortunately I don't think it's helping. I am optimistic that the next 3 month dose will do something though. Everyday I wake up I'm not sure how I'll feel. Somedays I feel mostly great, other days I feel awful. Either way, I'm still a mom and wife and I can't sit around and do nothing. I've changed some things about myself that have helped slightly, but only slightly. I don't really eat junky or greasy foods anymore or chocolate. I drink water and tea and snack on yogurt and fruit. I changed my shoes to comfortable, although a bit ugly, crocs. I sit down more and rest and I take naps (but sometimes the naps aren't planned, ha). I still manage to have dinner ready and keep the house clean. I help the boys do work and play with them. I still grocery shop and manage to keep my smile. I see no reason to wallow in my pain, that won't make me feel better and it won't do me any good. I hope to show others that no matter what, you can get through anything if you stay positive, pray, read your Bible and have supportive family and friends. As I'm writing this I am sitting on a heating pad and resting my lower back on a pillow. Today was a very painful day, but I still went to church and fellow shipped with my church family and I still managed to get out of bed and accomplish things. Matt did make dinner tonight, which was such a blessing. God bless!

17 weeks down

At least twice a week I get told, "I don't know how you do it" or "you are such a strong women, I couldn't do that". I don't know about all of that. I get emotional and moody. I cry, stress out, want my husband home, have pity parties, etc. I don't feel all that strong a lot of the time. But, I do know where people are coming from. It is difficult to be in this lifestyle (yes, I call it a lifestyle, not just my husbands job. That is how we roll). But, it isn't too difficult for me. Most of the time, I actually love being an Army wife! Deployments are tough, much tougher than you can even imagine, but depedning on the job your husband has, you can get used to some smaller seperations, and it can help.

My kids, to me, are the strong ones. They miss their dad, don't quite understand, act out sometimes because of it (and that results in getting in trouble), and they just want to do things with their dad. But, for the past 17 weeks, they have been pretty normal! Our oldest has his moments of sadness and longing for his dad, and our youngest talks about daddy all of the time and wants to know why work never ends, but they continue on. We talk about dad just about all of the time, but I don't mind, I could talk about him forever! ;)

I just want to say this. It is tough, but if you are a military spouse, family member or just a friend you can get through this, and it will result in a great ending, homecoming... Don't dwell on the fact that your loved one is gone, stay busy and keep your life going.

Just a quick though...

When I was growing up, I imagined being married! I knew I would be married to a wonderful man, we would both have great careers and that was the extent of my thinking... I never imagined that I would be an Army wife, and that my career would be that of a stay at home mom and wife, and that we would be in wars with other countries. I never thought that I would spend days, weeks, months apart from my spouse and he from our family.... I never imagined that I would be as happy as I am right one. My husband in another country, but still happy and loved and blessed as ever... I never knew I was made to be an Army wife until I became one!

God bless

P.S. If you are reading this, keep your chin up. The only way to get through this in one piece is to stop thinking so much, relax, think about the future, and know that your spouse is doing a great job, a job that only 1% of people are doing...

Time...

How is it that time can fly by quickly and at the same time it slows down and feels like it is going too slow? I feel like this a lot since Matthew has been gone. It was been 12.5 weeks now. Some days, that feels like a great accomplishment, but other days I feel like we are barely anywhere with it!

These past 5 days are a blur, I hardly remember the small details, but when I hear from him everyday, they seem to go more slowly, and of course they seem to go slowly when I don't get to talk to him either, until it is over and I see him online!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference". This helps me get through when I am feeling down. I know that he will be home again before I know it, just some days I feel like it will never come and others I feel like it will be here in a drop.

God Bless